Triggers...

There it was.  I did not think I would have to face it again.  I thought I was victorious.  It sneaks out of nowhere triggered by an evening.  Sometimes it comes by a smell, a word, or a place.  Memories return, and then loss presents itself.  Suddenly, I am there, reliving my suffering, reminded of the cost.  My losses are many.  Ten years of my life, friends, a home, a career, my dreams, my desires, and all the wasted time and efforts.  It seems to overwhelmed me for there is nothing but emptiness.  And the knowledge that there is a gap in my life where things use to be.  I cry until there are no more tears.  I run to my place of refuge.  Maybe I lack faith and that is why I am here again.  Maybe I should not have allowed my mind to remember.  But now, there is nothing but an all-consuming loss.  You can hear the prayers of my heart; for endurance, for strength, for courage to overcome.

By instinct for survival, I run to what I know, what I had experience, what I am certain of.  I run to his word.  He says, Eva, I made you alive.  You were dead in your sins, walking in the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air; Ephesians 2:1-5.  I made you alive together with Christ, and by grace you have been saved; Ephesians 2:8-9.  Eva, I have this great love for you.  I have raised you up and you know sit with me in the heavenly places, so that I might show my exceeding grace, and my kindness; Ephesians 2:4-7.  Eva, you have a purpose.  You are my workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which I have prepare beforehand for you to do; Ephesians 2:10.

I am sitting like the Old Testament Job, and just as he heard him, I have also.  For the Lord has spoken.  It could be that like Job, my losses will be replace, the emptiness will be filled.  For now, I know that I am alive, loved, and that I have a purpose.  I pray that I fulfill it.

Copyright 08/2010